Watching my thoughts is like watching another man’s life in a movie. A lot of things are happening in my mind, battles and bombing, deaths and funerals. I can’t remember how many thoughts I killed today, but I can retell every single one that made me cry and mad and so frustrated that I just want to shut it down. But how? Even in my sleep, I’m haunted by reality. My dreams often felt real and there were good ones that make me want to stay in deep slumber forever. I often question why I even bothered waking up. Answer? Life.
I’m amused with the fact that we get to live two lives at once. One in our head, where we can control almost everything, and then there’s real life, the meeting of every mind in the world, all influencing one another. It would be nice to be alone, to be in-charge, to be kept away from the goods and ills. But wake up. Yes, you should open your eyes, get up and live. Do these while conquering the trials you’re putting yourself into in that brain of yours. Because trust me, you’re the one who makes your life miserable. It’s the passing thoughts you accept to be yours that creates the feeling you’re experiencing now. Whatever the result of the battle inside your head reflects how you respond in your surroundings.
I just read a book last night and the author said that a teacher teaches the lessons he wants to learn about. Maybe that’s why I’m writing this blog post. To tell myself that whatever I want to learn in life, I must gain while sharing it to others. It really is frustrating to read so much and not be able to do anything about it. At least in schools, you read your text books then get to recite whatever it is you absorbed or you can write it in your essays and exams. What I usually do these days is look at the ceiling, with no clear purpose of what I should do with the things I just read. I feel every word fade away in my mind, forgotten and wasted. Wait. Stop. I’m trying to pull them back in – I’m trying to remember every quote, the ideas and philosophies. There are loads of them, in different versions and perspectives that it’s hard for me to digest each without putting more strain in my head. But I have to, I need to remember because whatever I put in my head becomes an ammo that will work for me or against me.
Be careful, I must. I have seen myself get defeated a lot of times because of what I consume around me. I have learned that not everything is for me. A lot of things are served in buffets, but you are not forced to taste everything, only the foods you really want to try.
Be mindful, I should. There was never a time where I was completely unaware of what’s happening. I hear the whispers and cries inside my head. I hear you loud and clear. But should I follow or do the opposite? The indecision always comes from this: the urge to do or not do. Will I ever get to decide or should I always let the moment do the talking?
Be myself, I can. The only thing I should struggle to become is to be myself. To be the realest version of Joy there is. But are we meant to forget the basics? Because I just realized that I often miss the fact that my name is actually Joy. My label in a packaging placed side by side with others. I am Joy – how bizarre it is for me to be only appreciating the importance of this now. No one will ever know me the way I do, so no judgment or comment from other people should affect me unless it’s true.
Seems like this was way too long now. If only for me, there will never be a conclusion for this as I will continue to learn and evolve. But it will always be fun to narrate what happens in my head, to breathe once in a while and free the words that I can’t articulate most of the time.
So here are the thoughts that didn’t die.
Welcome to your new home.